How many of us have habits we would like to form? I can probably come up with a list of 10 different things I would like to implement in my life (just look at my last blog post for evidence). I am sure many of you are the same. And, for each of those 10 things I would like to implement/start, I can probably come up with something I would like to change about myself – habits I would like to break. However, why does it seem so hard to do either of these things – Make and/or break a habit? Let’s dissect what a habit it a little, and then come up with a challenge for ourselves for the next 30 days.
In “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” by Stephen Covey, he defines a habit as the “intersection of knowledge, skill, and desire.” The knowledge is the what to do and the why we do something, the skill is knowing how to do something, and the desire is the motivation or the wanting to do something. This definition definitely resonates with me for habits I am wanting to form in my life. Let’s take the example of brushing my teeth at night.
I have confession to make. Please forgive me, and don’t judge (as I know we all have things we would be embarrassed to admit to others). For whatever reason, I cannot seem to remember to brush my teeth at night. I brush them, quite well and very religiously every morning, but nighttime seems to come, and I find myself forgetting each time that I intended to brush my teeth before bed (more often I just remember the morning after, and already missed my chance). I try to leave myself reminders, and have family members remind me, but somehow it escapes me all the time. I feel like I should be back in catholic school and have my hand slapped with a ruler.
So, let’s break it apart. My knowledge is quite adept in the teeth brushing department. I know what teeth are, as well as how to identify a tooth brush and tooth paste. Furthermore, I know the why of brushing – as it leads to healthier teeth now, less chance of dentures later, and even can prevent heart disease (did you know there is a direct link?). Therefore, I am confident that my knowledge is spot on. My skill is quite proficient as well. I know how to apply tooth paste to the brush. I know the finer intricacies of the brushing circles around the gums method, and have taught my kids for years the “tiger teeth,” “alligator mouth,” and “puppy dog tongue” techniques for all proper teeth brushing positions. Desire doesn’t really seem to be an issue either, as I want to have healthy teeth, and find myself partial to keeping them around for a while. I don’t have any good excuse for not brushing. In fact, if I had to admit, I’m realizing just as I type now, that I actually think the desire is what I am probably lacking in. Not in the desire to brush my teeth and have a healthy mouth, but rather, the desire to spend the time out of my night brushing my teeth. So, I guess I really just need to make it a priority, and up the desire status a little so that I take the time to do it.
Now let’s look at it from the break a habit direction. Another personal sharing time now. I have a horrible habit of when confronted (in either a healthy or unhealthy way), my first reaction is to take a very defensive stance, and usually switch it to be slightly attacking. A perfect example is when my husband asks me why I did something. He is usually just asking because he is curious on why I made a certain decision, yet I view it as a judgmental question, and that I need to defend myself at all costs so that my honor is not tarnished. Cory asks, “Why did you decide to make spaghetti for dinner when you said you were making burritos earlier today?” What comes out of my mouth is usually, “Well, I didn’t think we would have enough cheese and I know that everyone likes cheese on their burritos, and then I didn’t want people not to enjoy dinner and then no one would eat and everyone would starve, and it would show what a horrible mom and wife I am because I can’t even make a decent dinner for my family….” Instead, a simple, “Well, actually spaghetti sounded better tasting to me than burritos,” would have worked much better, and would have been closer to the truth. – Don’t laugh, it really does get that bad sometimes.
So, let’s go back to our definition of a habit. I have the knowledge of how to be defensive, and my horrible insecurities and fears of making a wrong decision for a group of people are the why I do it. I am quite skilled in knowing how to be defensive. I have it dialed down on the words, the tone, and the body stance to take to have the maximum effect. But what about the desire? If we define a habit as having a desire for it, does that mean I want to be defensive? In some way, I guess I do. Maybe it has more to do with a desire not to spend more time to make sure I am patient and tolerant, and take the time to help my husband understand how my brain works. But it if very interesting to realize that to have a habit, even the bad ones, it means there is an element of desire, as otherwise I would have broken that habit by now.
Covey equates breaking a habit to space travel. To get to space, astronauts literally have to break out from the earth’s gravitational pull. “More energy is spent in the first few minutes of lift-off, in the first few miles of travel, than is used over the next several days to travel half a million miles.” This implies that with all of our bad habits, the hardest part is just working up the motivation enough to get started in the breaking process.
It is rumored that it takes 30 days to either make or break a habit. So, here comes our challenge for the next 30 days. I challenge you, over the next 30 days, to both make and break a habit. Choose something that will make an important impact on your life in some way. If you want some accountability, leave a comment below with the habits you will be making and breaking over the next month. I, for one, will have cleaner, healthier teeth in the next month, and will hopefully have less fights with my husband as I choose a less defensive line of communication with him. I wish all of us the best of luck!