LIFE AFTER BRAIN SURGERY: My biggest lesson, to date.
Six months ago today, I went into the hospital to have a brain tumor removed. At the time, I thought I would approach the situation how I handle most situations in life – step up to the plate (so to say), conquer it, and move on. At first I expected to be back in the swing of things within 4-6 weeks, but my check-up with the doctor after surgery helped me to understand that healing would take a little longer than I originally expected. That’s okay – I was ready for the challenge.
How little I understood what I was in for over the next six months.
I started off with gusto, wanting to be a motivational/inspirational force for others around me. That lasted about 4 weeks. I was in pain, dealing with repercussions from surgery, but was determined to keep fighting, to keep persevering, and to keep winning my daily battles. My friends and family were amazing help, and I cannot thank everyone enough for everything!
Then the longer-term effects of the medications I was on started to set in. We’ll call this my “dark phase”. I experienced severe mental/emotional side effects from anti-seizure medications I was on, and it left me severely depressed and extremely emotionally unstable, to say the least. I put on a good show for others, and tried to “fight” my way through it, determined to overcome the effects of medication. My only solace was that I knew this wasn’t “me”, and once I got off the medications everything would be back to “normal”. After three months, I finally was able to convince my doctor that the medications were causing more harm than good, and after threatening to go off them cold turkey (not advised for these types of meds), I was able to wean off them, and start a new/different medication.
Then I entered radiation treatment. We’ll call this my “sleeping” phase, as I kind of felt like I slept my way through life, and did physically sleep a lot. I knew I would be tired and worn out, but I only needed to last seven weeks, and then everything would be done, and I could start my true healing. My friends and family continued to support me, cook for me, and love me. Thank you!
I thought I would be able to get back to “normal” after that. Fast forward two months after radiation, to now. My body is nearing full recovery, or at least what I think I will get back up to for the foreseeable future. I still can’t walk at my pre-surgery speed. Workouts are a huge struggle. I still get tired after teaching, and need naps on most days. Lights and sounds still bother me, I get dizzy when I ride in cars, and it continues to hurt to lay/rest on the left side of my head.
I think the hardest part is that I “look” like I am back to normal. If you passed me on the street, you would have no idea what I’ve gone through over this past six months. Even new students in my classes this term have no idea, unless they knew me in September when I was first recovering. My constant wearing of hats, and well-placed hairstyles cover my scars, my three-inch long hair that is growing back from surgery, and my complete bald spot from radiation over most of the left side of my head. I may look “normal”, but I don’t feel like I am back to normal at all.
I don’t mean to complain, and I feel so incredibly fortunate for how things turned out. However, this has been, without a doubt, the worst six months of my entire life. I am starting to learn that maybe I have a new “normal”, and that I need to get used to that. I am sure things will get better with more time, but I have a feeling my gains will be fewer and farther between now, but at least still progressing forward.
But mostly, what I want you to get from this message (besides just an update), is that just because someone looks okay, or “normal”, does not mean that they are. We have no idea what the people around us are really going through, or have gone through in the recent past. We might not realize the fight that someone is struggling through just to appear as if they have it together.
Treat others accordingly, they may be fragile.
