For those of you who know my husband (Cory), he is never afraid to share his opinion, will never sugar-coat anything, and is quite firm in his beliefs. This blog post is actually written by him (with minor editing from me).

The best couple we’ve ever met is looking forward to the birth of their first child. They are really good friends of ours, have been with us while we raised our own kiddos, and have been excellent role models and support for our family throughout the years. We are so incredibly excited for them!

Rhys with his God Parents, Jake & Ruthann

Knowing we have four kids, they figured we would be experienced in knowing what baby-related items are really necessary to buy, versus what is just hyped-up stuff that is not really needed. So, they asked us for advice on what to actually purchase before baby arrives. My husband (oh, how I love him) decided to respond via email with his own version of parenting “advice” – pretty much ignoring the original question – but giving some excellent advice in the process. I thought I would share (with his permission), because it really is great advice, and I couldn’t agree more!

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Parenting “Advice”

-by Cory Miner

Keenan, just born

Baby on the way…!

Well, we’ve gotten Taylor [19 years-old] graduated, Ellie [15 years-old] is doing well in high school and the little boys [Rhys 7 years-old, and Keenan 5 years-old] have all their fingers and toes….so far. We haven’t done too poorly (though I have to admit Rhys has had to go to the ER already…).

Ellie, at age 9

Taylor, at age 13

All in all I think that qualifies us to give you the following advice, which I feel is THE most important advice new parents could ever receive from anyone. I feel VERY strongly about this advice and I mean every single word of it, wholeheartedly and intensely……

The advice: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TAKE PARENTING ADVICE FROM ANYONE, REGARDLESS OF THEIR PERCEIVED (IN YOUR EYES) OR SELF-PROCLAIMED (IN THEIR EYES) SUCCESS IN RAISING CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!

I’m dead serious about this. I can’t think of anything that has screwed up more new parents, or caused more new parents to have added grief, than to accept advice and act on it from some well-meaning “experienced” parent.

The reality of parenting, as I see it, is that every kid needs to be treated with that child’s personality taken into consideration. There is no formula for every child. What one set of parents does, may or may not have any possible value for another set of parents. How your parents were, or how your husband’s parents were, has ABSOLUTELY NO BEARING ON HOW YOU  WILL DO. I think experienced parents give new parents advice for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they found what they did was a good idea, and so they want to impart that knowledge on others. Often their ideas didn’t work, but they want validation for having made that choice by having others do the same thing. Sometimes it’s their way to live again, as their kids are past the stage of your child. The reality is, most people have no idea why they were successful or why they failed, because day-to-day they’re just trying to survive without putting themselves or their kids in a mental institution.

Accepting advice from people with kids is like accepting medical advice from someone who has a doctor. Just because they have a doctor doesn’t mean they can give you medical advice. You (and all new parents) will be second-guessed. Your child is going to scream in a public place, and other parents will look at you with a look of “You’re obviously not doing something right.” Give me a break! Your kid’s going to scream because a they have to poop, or their tummy is upset, or they are teething and it hurts, or they just feel like letting the world know they exist. When I see someone giving a new parent a bad time about something like this, I’m pretty aggressive about shutting them down. It is ridiculous.

Raising kids is pleasure. It’s fantastic. But it’s stressful and hard. You second-guess yourself all the time. But nobody who gives you advice actually knows what they’re talking about. So…. DON’T… TAKE… ADVICE…

Now, sometimes parents come up with things that might work for you, and perhaps you would like to know how they did something. You trust them, and the outcome with their child is similar to the outcome that you want with your child. Definitely ask them a SPECIFIC question about it, like, “Hey, I noticed you use that cool diaper bag. Does it actually fit everything you use and do like it? It looks like it might fit the activities we like to do.” Or something like that.

Treat all parenting advice like a supermarket. Shop around and pull the products you like, and don’t hesitate to leave the rest behind. Remember the people giving advice are often going to be like salesmen. They give you grief for not following their advice, just like the potato chip guy will give you grief for not buying his brand of chip. Treat those parents the same way you would the chip guy – Smile and nod graciously, and then get away from them.

The absolute BEST parents in the WORLD for your child are YOU GUYS. At the end of the day, you are the ones who go home with him/her. You are the ones who changes their diapers, who clean up their vomit, who reads them bedtime stories, who gets frustrated and angry at them, who watches them sleep, who can’t stand to be away from them, who wants a break from them, who wants them to stop screaming and go to sleep, who wants them to giggle and laugh everyday, who deals with rashes, and who gets the hugs and kisses. Who ON THIS EARTH has any possible chance of knowing your child more than you? And who ON THIS EARTH could possibly give you advice without knowing the subject (your child) of that advice the way that you will?

Parenting is lonely (the world is against you). Parenting is scary. Parenting is tiring (it’s okay to say you need a break – it’s also okay to take one). Parenting is stressful. Parenting is terrible. Parenting is the best thing ever. Parenting is awesome. Parenting is frustrating. Parenting is maddening. Parenting is sad. Parenting is incredible. Parenting is love-filled. Parenting is the worst job on earth. Parenting is the best job on earth. Parenting is the least rewarding job. Parenting is the most rewarding job.

Don’t leave the parenting of your child up to anyone else. Nobody else has to live with the consequences of you accepting and acting on the advice. Advice is free and easy to give when you don’t have to deal with the consequences of it. You will often think you’re doing it wrong, but you’re not. You’re doing it just right.

Now some of that advice (which remember – I think you should stay away from):

• Have fun deciding what to buy. Frankly you don’t NEED anything. It’s your first kid, get whatever you think is cool and would give you a memory. Some of our best parenting memories start with “Remember that ridiculous ____________ we got? We were so new!”
• Changing tables are a waste of money…. Unless it fits #1 above. Then, by all means, get one.
• Dad – You absolutely MUST change diapers, hold the baby all the time, compete with mom for baby time! Don’t you dare be a “stand-offish” dad. Dads often fall into this social category that prevents them from taking part in the everyday raising of the kids. Every diaper you change, every time you feed them, every time you get up at night with them, every time you take them to school, every time you’re a real dad instead that crap I see all the time, is another deposit in the bank of “my kid is going be great some day, and they’re going to think I’m the best superhero of all time”. If mom is going to breast feed, then make sure you get a breast pump, and you get your butt up at night and feed your baby pumped milk. Change the diapers while mom pumps, and then feed when mom is done pumping. The sleep you lose now is meaningless in the grand scheme of life. Don’t be one of THOSE dads.
• Our first purchase after Jenni was pregnant with Rhys was a kid hiking/carrier backpack. That was the most important purchase for us.
• You DO NOT have to wait until kids are out of the house to have a life. You can have a life WITH your kids. It’s also okay for you to go out on a date WITHOUT the kid, and it is equally alright to go out without the kid and then quickly realize you want to be with the kid again, and so you end your night early.
• I love showers. Loooooooooooooong showers. I started taking showers with Rhys when he was 3 days old. Rhys loves showers now. Keenan too. We’re talking hour-long showers.
• DON’T TAKE ADVICE.
• Supermarket the advice people spew at you.
• Keep lots of baby wipes around. We love Costco for this. They clean up everything, not only butts.
• Hand your baby to anyone willing to hold them. Protecting your child doesn’t mean sheltering your child. Protecting them means beating the crap out of anyone about to hurt them. Sheltering them means not allowing them to experience the world and learn how to survive.
• If you drop your child pick them up. Laugh and move on.
• Read to them. Daily.
• Teach them sign language from about 6 months on. They can talk to you long before they can “talk” to you, if you do sign language.
• You’re going to screw up and make mistakes. Get over it.
• Someone’s going to make you feel like you’re doing it all wrong. They are the ones that are wrong. Just stare at them, in their eyes, silently, with a look of “I dare you to say something again”. They’ll get the picture and look away.
• You asked what you need. 1) You need a diaper bag that fits your life (we used a Mountain Smith outdoor bag that was a fanny pack with an over the shoulder strap). We kept diapers, wipes, extra clothes, snacks, etc. in it. 2) You need a car seat. Get one you like. They’re all regulated pretty closely, so get the one you like the look of. I would recommend one that has a base that belts in and then the seat part has a quick release so it removes easy. Then get two bases (one for each car). You don’t need two car seats. 3) find a cool, soft, SMALL, cuddle blanket. Make sure it’s durable. You’ll have to live with it forever.
• SUPERMARKET OUR IDEAS. If I say, “this is a must to have” it means “this worked well for us”. It doesn’t mean it fits your life.
• YOU GUYS WILL BE THE ABSOLUTE MOST PERFECT PARENTS FOR YOUR CHILD. Nobody else (not any of your parents, not Jenni or I, not anyone else) matters in the raising of your most perfect child, in your most perfect family.
• Dad – Re-read number 3. Just in case you forgot…

Well, that’s just off-the-top-of-my-head.

Cheers,
-Cory